As a Counselor, I've often worked with individuals who initially believe that unlimited, fantastic sex with a partner will cure their porn addiction. Perhaps you or someone you care about has said one or more of the following:
· “Now that I am having sex with the one I love I won’t have a porn addiction problem anymore!”
· “Why do I still have urges to look elsewhere? I’m getting all the sex I need.”
· “The sex in my relationship isn’t enough, nor what I thought it would be. I still have to seek other sexual outlets to have my needs met. I thought this would stop.”
· “I’m not good enough, is that it? Why does he still have wandering eyes anyway? Why?”
· “Sex is never good enough for him. He always wants more or something different–what more can I do?”
· “When we make love is he thinking about them or me? Who is he having sex with anyway?”
Many people and couples who are struggling with these statements are also struggling in their own personal relationships. They are finding that porn addiction is creating a divisive wedge in their intimate, committed relationships with destructive consequences.
Most of My Clients Were Introduced to Masturbation and Porn at a Young Age
I find that many men (and growing numbers of women) were introduced to the first beginnings of masturbation and porn addiction at an early age. For most of my clients these things began in grade school or junior high. Unfortunately, when these powerful processes become twisted and confused in the highly impressionable, developing brain of a child or teenager—obsession, compulsion and addiction can often be the result.
Many have the mistaken belief that once they enter adulthood and a marriage relationship, their porn addiction will cease. What they fail to understand is that porn addiction is literally a “brain chemical” addiction, in many ways identical to a street drug addiction. Someone hooked on cocaine as a teenager, would not reasonably expect to automatically lose that desire or dependency simply because they reach legal age and get married. Likewise, porn addiction does not magically disappear with adulthood or marriage.
Why Would Someone Who Can Have Sex with Their Partner Keep Seeking Out Masturbation and Pornography?
Why would someone continue seeking out porn when they can have sex with their partner? Why would they still have the need? Think of it this way–would having sex eliminate a cocaine addict’s desire for their drug? Of course not, because cocaine addiction is not about sex. The same principle applies to this addiction. Most people are completely unaware that “porn addiction is NOT just about the sexual images.” Porn-viewing rituals coupled with masturbation create a literal chemical dependency in the brain. The individual uses porn as a “drug-of-choice” to escape and “self-medicate” in response to any number of pressures, difficulties, needs or situations in his life. Having more sex is not going to heal this “chemical” addiction.
I Feel Like He's Using Me!
It is true that sex with a partner can sometimes temporarily reduce the perceived need to indulge in pornography addiction outlets. However, when one’s partner becomes a replacement for the porn, she can usually sense the facade and duplicity. As the wife of one of my client’s said, “I feel he’s just using me. We’re not connected.” So, sexual intimacy by itself doesn’t replace or stop porn addiction. Soon, sex with one's partner isn’t sufficient to meet the “brain chemical” needs of the addict.
More Sex is NOT Going to "Cure" Your Porn Addiction!
If you’re struggling under the burden of porn addiction, be careful not to fool yourself into thinking that if your partner were more sexually exciting and responsive, your problem would be solved. This makes about as much sense as believing sex would eliminate a drinking problem. You have to do the work of treating your addiction–get on the recovery path and put in the time and effort to address the “real” underlying issues and causes of your compulsive porn use.
That's what my work as a counselor is all about. I can help you learn about the true nature of your addiction and the specific steps you must take to start moving toward your freedom. You can break free and you can have a close, committed, wonderful relationship with your partner. But you can’t expect that person to rescue you from the work of recovery, or magically make your struggles go away. They can encourage, support and walk with you, but only you can make the commitment and get started. I'm here with the training, tools, coaching and support you need. I'm ready when you are.
If you're not sure if you're addicted to porn or how serious your porn habit is, take a look at this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/are-you-addicted-to-porn
