I have emphasized many times in these blog articles and constantly with my clients, just how critical HEALTHY BOUNDARIES are to porn addiction recovery, betrayal trauma healing and mending a marriage relationship!
But, what about when things are going "well"? If it's been many months since a husband's last relapse; if a spouse has come a long way in healing her betrayal trauma; if the marriage is stable—do we still need to hold and enforce boundaries? YES!!!
Boundaries Can Quickly Erode Away
My colleague Steve Moore often says that "boundaries are like sand castles: if you're not careful, when the waves of life come, they can erode quickly away." When we're early in the recovery and healing processes, there is a lot of motivation to set clear, strong boundaries. But over time, if we become careless or complacent, they can fade and weaken, setting us up for relapse and re-traumatizing. Some very subtle "ruts" can creep into the boundaries we've set up.
Should Boundaries Evolve?
As we make real, lasting progress in recovery and healing, our boundaries can and should evolve. Yet, we must be careful to recognize the differences between a healthy evolution vs. boundaries being "worn down" and decaying. Knowing the difference is crucial to our ongoing progress and success. And alway remember--boundaries are there to serve you, not for you to serve them!
Small "Nuances" Matter
It's easy to get caught up in "only big boundaries" being important. But what we find over time is that the "seemingly" small boundaries can be just as important. Continuing to exercise vigilance and discipline in the enforcement of these small boundaries helps ensure that our progress continues steady and true--and that we don't suffer major setbacks. From time to time, sit down as a couple and engage in an open, honest "boundaries assessment."
Here's a podcast episode where Mark and Steve talk about the nuances of ongoing boundaries—
Learn why his porn addiction and the Betrayal Trauma it brings is NOT YOUR FAULT—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault Find out HOW Porn use can easily turn into a "Drug Addiction?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction Is there a difference between "true intimacy" and "sex"?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage