There Are Three Primary Reasons...
And They May Not Be What You Think
Let me be as clear as I can—as a Counselor, a man in long-term successful recovery, and a husband, I am NOT making ANY excuses for your spouse's pornography use. He is responsible for his own choices. And his porn problem is NOT fair and it's NOT your fault! You did NOTHING to deserve this! My only intention is to help you understand "why" he's trapped in pornography and that there IS a way for him to break completely and permanently free.
Through my own recovery and working with many thousands of men in more than 85 countries over the last 19 years, experience and research have shown there are three primary reasons men remain trapped in pornography use—
1. Pornography is a "Drug"
Pornography viewing triggers the brain into releasing powerful, internal chemicals—dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin and more. These are the same internal chemicals released during cocaine and heroin use! Virtually all men are exposed to pornography at a young age—by accident or by friends. It starts out with natural curiosity but the brain quickly learns that pornography is a "drug" that brings relief from the stress and pressures of life—the same reason men become addicted to alcohol or street drugs.
2. Porn use is Obsessive–Compulsive
Too many good, Christian men can become trapped in porn use. Trying to break free, they use sheer willpower to force the thoughts and urges out of their mind. The more they fight, the more obsessive the thoughts become, until that's all they can think about! Finally, completely exhausted by the fight, they feel an overwhelming compulsive need to look at porn to get relief from the endless battle. Then, ashamed at what they've done, they go back to fighting the urges and the whole cycle begins again. Men can stay trapped in this "OCD-like" cycle for decades. Willpower is NOT the answer!
3. Deep Shame Drives Him into Secrecy
During porn viewing the brain is radically altered and the viewer surrenders clear, logical thinking, thoughts of spouse, family, God or consequences. After sexual climax, the porn user's logic, reasoning and "heart" come flooding back—"What have I done?! What was I thinking?!" (the truth is, his altered brain couldn't think!) He's overwhelmed by feelings of shame, self-loathing and regret. His fear of hurting those he loves and what others will think of his disgusting behaviors, drives him into secrecy. He goes it alone and doesn't get the help he needs.
Someone Who Understands
Hi, I'm Mark Kastleman. As a Counselor, over the last 19 years I've focused on providing hope and a path of healing for men, women and couples impacted by the devastation of porn/sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. I'm also in successful long-term recovery from my own struggles with addiction. I have a deep empathy and understanding for my clients.
I help men break permanently free from porn addiction—no matter how long they've been trapped and especially if they've tried everything else. I help women move onto the path of healing from Betrayal Trauma. And I help couples mend their marriage relationship. After more than 30 years of marriage, my wife Ladawn and I know the personal heartache and fallout of addiction, the triumph of recovery and what it takes for both spouses to heal and successfully move forward together. It's also important to know that I work with a LOT of couples where their church and faith are VERY important to them. For example, I help a lot of LDS men struggling with porn addiction.